Game Harlot

Friday, May 01, 2009

Baby’s First MMO

It’s kinda fun going from the blood-spattered hallways of Rainbow 6 Vegas 2 (which I am enjoying way too much lately) to a magical land full of faeries and sheep and stuff.

Yes, it’s apparently free MMO week in my brain, because I decided to give the aptly titled Free Realms a shot.

Free Realms is currently being marketed as a “fun for the whole family” MMO, which means that some internet subculture is probably plotting its downfall at this very moment.  In all seriousness, the best way to describe it seems to be Nintendo DS + Popcap games + a hefty dose of “hey kids, you gotta pay for the good stuff!”, all wrapped up in a shiny 3D graphics package.  In short, marketing brilliance.

Players can choose to be a human or a pixie character (I made a human chick named Violet Ponyhammer, in case you were wondering.  Fear me.) and run around doing jobs.  For example, the Chef career involves things like playing a Bejeweled clone to harvest vegetables and then playing a blatant Cooking Mama ripoff to actually craft things.  Other careers include Postman (whoo, sign me up!), Miner (in case you get nostalgic for killing people over ore in WoW), Pet Trainer (better get Mommy’s purse), and Kart Racer/Demolition Derby driver.  Luckily, you don’t have to choose just one out of so many fine options; you earn xp in the job simply by doing it.

I will say I’m highly impressed with the game itself; you sign in from your browser, but it launches in a new window that looks like you just fired up a regular MMO.  Which, you have to admit, is pretty brilliant when the thing is geared toward children.

While I mock Free Realms, I would actually highly recommend it to anyone who has school-aged kids; I can see myself going crazy over this back in the day.  (We barely had the internet back then!  You kids these days don’t know how good you got it!  Now get off my lawn!) Just be mindful that SOE has strategically placed “buy me!” things every two feet, so be prepared to tell your little snowflake “no.”

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

TCoS: “…that is one fugly Draenai.”

I’d heard a bit about the new MMO The Chronicles of Spellborn but dismissed it like an unattended free sample of Cheez-its at the grocery store.  (Seriously, people are disgusting.) And then I saw that the boys at Penny Arcade had declared it “not total bullshit,” and my interest was piqued, especially with the advantage of not having to hand over any money to give it a shot.

I was a little unenthusiastic at character creation, mostly because it kept booting me off the server when I was halfway through making my cute little pink-haired spellcaster.  (Launch weekend FTW.) However, I managed to persevere and discover that there is no such thing as the “noob outfit” in CoS: you get to design your look right off the bat.  So, after about 5 tries and suitably equipped with pink armor and a nice whompin’ mace, I was in.

The combat system is quite unusual, but I think Tycho did a beautiful job of explaining it:

“The Skilldeck solves an interesting problem in a unique way, and joy is the result. I want you to imagine your action bar in World of Warcraft, a braying menagerie of icons you might even be turning to third-party mods to manage. There’s a lot going on and - if nothing else - versatility is assured. The Skilldeck offers up an interesting riposte: no more than six of your abilities are visible at any time, on a cylinder that spins to the next row when you use a power. You construct these rows in such a way that effective combinations present themselves. The metaphor will be tortured, and you may suffer as a result, but it’s discovered some verdant place midway between a collectible card game and a slot machine you build yourself.”

I was also pleasantly surprised by how pretty the game is.  I really enjoyed the unique art style, particularly on the various critters of the world.  The animals look normal from a distance, but getting close reveals some amazing aesthetic touches, like dogs with spiral fur patterns and cute rabbit-eqsue characters with little antennae instead of ears.  (Bonus: most animals will run from you when you get close, apparently haven spoken to the WoW critters about players’ sensless brutality.)

Unfortunately, at the end of the day the game seemed to be a variant of “kill 10 wolves” or “deliver a message to Captain Lazyface all the way across the zone.” But props to Acclaim for coming up with some innovative ideas.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

hack ‘n slash ‘n BRAINS

I find the split in reviews for Onechanbara: Bikini Samurai Squad highly entertaining.

In this corner, we have the Comic Book Guy’s Worst. Game. Ever.: “So what reason is there to play Onechanbara: Bikini Samurai Squad? There is none, so suppress any morbid interest you may harbor and spend your money elsewhere, because neither acrobatic temptresses nor legions of the lurching undead can make this game worth playing.”

And in this corner, we have the more moderate, “yes, this is crap but it’s entertaining crap!”:“I will never argue that Onechanbara is a “good” game. It isn’t. It is a mediocre title at best and one which revels in that fact. A sticky, filthy little pleasure that I have had quite a bit of enjoyment playing. I agree completely that it is a title that should either be rented or dug out of the deepest depths of a bargain bin.”

I got to play for a bit over the weekend, and, eyeing the box art, I had to wonder: people were expecting to take this seriously?  It’s a chick in her underwear (with a cowboy hat and boa, yeehaw!) with giant swords next to a barely-legal girl in a schoolgirl outfit.  Yup, sure looks like a gaming classic to resonate through the ages.

Which begs the question: do games have to be “serious” to be good?  Granted, there’s a lot of gameplay issues (the “bloodlust” mechanic that slowly kills you is pretty stupid, and the camera is clunky as hell), and you can play through the first few levels with a beer in one hand and the other repeatedly mashing the X button (yeah, really), but it’s a goofy game, people.  Trying to judge it on a scale with the big games is like getting pissed that Zombie Strippers is not as cinematically redeeming as La Dolce Vita. 

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Like a Virgin

I have a confession to make: prior to yesterday, had a friendly game of “I Never” been proposed, I would have said “I’ve never played a single Final Fantasy game,” and the HarlotPosse would end up trashed.  Behold, my geek shame.

But that has all changed, since I decided to fire up my PS3’s retro compatibility and give FFVII a spin.  (Bonus comedy: due to an impatient streak a mile wide, I have played very few traditional turn-based RPGs; brave new world!)

5:30: Ooh, pixels!  How quaint!
5:31: Bahaha, sprite Cloud.  “I’m Popeye the sailor man...”
5:32: Oh, I can’t use the D-pad to move… and I have to hold down a button to run.  Delightful.
5:35: Yay, let’s fight!  ...what do you mean, I have to wait my turn?
5:45: Apparently, pushing a button on the elevator causes a large black man to appear out of your ass and scold you.  Ah, technology.
5:50: Take it, giant mechanical scorpion.
6:01: The reactor’s gonna blow!  GET TO DE CHOPPA!
6:03: Ladders + forced perspective = suck.  Huh, Jessie’s still standing on the walkway… every man for himself, biotch!
6:06: Guys, I know you’re evil henchmen and all, but can we maybe take this fight outside?
6:07: Seriously, leave me alone!
6:08: Quit spinning your Sword of Overcompensation in victory, Cloud!  Less animations, more GTFO.
6:09: Cloud: “Hey, I made it.  Open the damn door.” Other dude: “Jessie’s still inside!” [Harlot: “WHAT?  That bitch told me how to climb ladders and she can’t do it herself?!"]
6:09: Oh yes, please jump me when I had one foot on the ladder and we’re all about to die anyway, evil henchmen.  Really going for that promotion, huh?
6:09:58: Cloud: “Jessie, you stupid whor...” Reactor: “PWNED!”
6:10: [CINEMATIC: Reactor asplode.  Single poetic tear trickles down The Harlot’s cheek, followed by a heavy bout of cursing not befitting a lady, followed by more and worse after she discovers that her save game did not work, followed by a trip to the fridge for a beer and a run upstairs into the comforting arms of Warhammer Online for the rest of the evening.]

FIN

Sore loser?  Yes.  Fail at game?  Yeah, pretty much.  But I’m definitely intrigued enough by the novelty that I’ll be back for round two, now with bonus “talking to everything I come across that looks like it might be half-sentient.”

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Zombocalypse

Last Friday me and the HarlotPosse had an impromptu theme party: zombies!  (Office Christmas parties are for suckers.)

We started the night out with a little Left 4 Dead, which is a hell of a lot of fun.  As the name suggests, you can play as one of four “survivors”: the aging military badass, the badass with tattoos, the white-collar office badass, or the badass spunky chick.  (Make the black guy a firefighter and turn the chick into a bible-thumping preacher’s daughter and you pretty much have the player characters from our All Flesh Must Be Eaten campaign!) As far as I can tell, the only difference is aesthetics; you have access to all weapons and everyone seems to be at the same health levels.

As far as the environment, two words: fast zombies.  (Look out, 2012 Olympics.) They also have the delightful habit of zerg-rushing from both directions, which makes the fact that your right bumper flips you 180 degrees quickly very handy.  Also fun are the “boss” zombies, including the Smoker, who sneaks up behind you, wraps his tongue around your waist and drags you away (presumably in an attempt to make you his queen), unless someone saves you.

The AI is pretty good; the zombies come running when you provoke them, and your NPC teammates will occasionally save you, heal you up, or give you items automatically.  Be warned, however, that your “comrades” have a bad habit of hogging all of the health packs (I’m looking at you, Louis), and will kill-steal your headshots, making you look like a pussy at the end-of-level recap.  Jerks.

We ended the night with a screening of Zombie Strippers.  If you are expecting a thought-provoking cinematic masterpiece, you’d do well to look elsewhere.  However, if you (like me!) are ok with a film that is mostly a vehicle for rad zombie makeup jobs and Jenna Jameson’s boobs, put this on your Netflix queue post haste.

In conclusion: braaaains.

Friday, December 05, 2008

Space: the Worst Possible Frontier

At first glance, Dead Space is not particularly unique - you play an engineer in space who, like all horror games, decides that the best course of action is to get on board an alien-infested mining ship and try to fix things instead of doing the logical thing and running the fuck away.  (I suppose “Dead Space: Oh Hell No” wouldn’t have sold.)

I got to play a bit over the Thanksgiving holiday (geek friends are a cheap game reviewer’s… um, friends); sitting down on the couch, I stole the controller and after my standard “what button does what?” instead of bothering to read the manual, squinted at the screen.

“Where’s the HUD?  And my, that’s a snazzy space suit, what with the glowing spine and… oh.”

In lieu of clunky menus to distract you, your health bar is indeed your glowing spine, with a gauge for one of your abilities right next to it.  Your inventory menus appear as hovering screens that you can actually rotate the camera around, and all communications from your buddies also pop out of thin air (usually when you’re tense from everything trying to murder you and when the music is swelling to an ominous discordant hum).

Also, not to spoil it or anything, but in case you don’t get it from the approximately 60 audio clips, writing in blood on walls, and hints from your buddies, you kill things most efficiently by shooting off their limbs.  (Headshots work, but not great, especially when you have limited ammo.) While it was a little weird to get used to at first, it adds an interesting new dimension, considering most things have an average of, oh, nine potential targets.

While it isn’t the scariest horror game out there, they nailed the atmosphere - it’s pleasantly creepy and unsettling.  So, Dead Space gets a Harlot Holding up a Severed Alien Arm Giving a Thumbs-Up of Approval. 

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

a night of Nerdcore

The concert was epic, y’all.  (I think I am still a little deaf, but it was worth it.)

The geekery went down at Double Wide, which, as the name suggests, is a bar modeled after a trailer (or, a “coach,” if you are my grandmother), complete with deliciously tacky art and dead animals at every turn.  They have a main bar area, a snazzy patio, and a small, cozy stage area with another bar (with cheaper drinks!) in the back. 

The line up was the Rivercrest Yacht Club, MC Lars, YTCracker, and MC Frontalot.

Highlights:

- The delightful ridiculousness of the Yacht Club boys.  (You cannot argue with a dude in a gorilla mask rapping next to another in an admiral’s hat and coat.) I’d never heard them before, but seeing as they are local, I’d like to see more.

- Everyone jumping in to everyone else’s act, including Jaret from Bowling for Soup (who also put on a great show) making an appearance with Lars for “Download This Song” for a bit of kick-ass pop punkery.  It made it feel like one big show.

- Me being a geeky fangirl and talking to Frontalot and Sturgis for a few before the show; they were very charming, and I tried to counter the misconception that Dallasites are meanies.  (Now they probably think Dallas girls are goofy instead, but Shiner will do that to you.)

- The geek-tastic crowd; shirts emblazoned with URLs and fedoras abounded, and everyone was rocking out.  It felt like home.

- Frontalot doing all of my favorite songs live; the songs from his new album were also especially rad.

It was definitely one of the best shows I’ve been to in a long time; high energy, tons of talent, and Nerdcore overload.  I was too busy dancing like a fool to take any pictures, but some kind soul put most of the show on YouTube for your viewing pleasure.  Ain’t the internet grand?

Friday, November 21, 2008

Fickle

“A fickle and changeful thing is a woman ever.” - Virgil

If you’ve been reading at all lately, you’ll know I’m pretty much enamored with Warhammer Online, and kicked World of Warcraft shamelessly to the curb.  My Sorceress has hit 26, and so I feel like I’m finally getting a feel for WAR.  Know, however, that I don’t think WoW is a bad game; there are days when the temptation to run out and buy WotLK is pretty strong.  And while I’m not really a fan of resisting temptation, I have thus far.  Why?  Well, I’ve come to the conclusion that WAR just fits my playstyle so much better.

Warhammer is a very non-linear game, in that you can successfully progress by doing different things.  PvP (world or scenarios), public quests, and regular quests net you considerable amounts of XP, so you don’t feel that you’re wasting time by doing what you feel like at the moment.  Not to mention the three different factions all have separate areas, so if you get bored or run out of quests in one section, you can just hop a dragon to a different one.

My other favorite thing is the general attitude of cooperation WAR seems to push.  The classes all have their very specific roles, and while you can do ok on your own, it’s usually a lot more effective (and much more fun) to join up with other people.  Parties are open by default, so you don’t have to hassle anyone to get in, and people will organize impromptu raids on Keeps pretty frequently.  The game feels inclusive, rather than exclusive.

So, if you’re anything like me (a little ADD, pvp whore, and prone to dropping in for half an hour to explode some Order while you’re waiting for your hair to dry), I highly recommend Warhammer.  Not gonna lie, I still get a little nostalgic for the epic feeling 40 man raids in WoW brought, but then I remember I just specced AoE and Dwarves are just… unnatural.

Friday, November 14, 2008

Gears of War 2: bromance?!

Finally got my hands on a copy of Gears of War 2, and I’m a little embarrassed to admit that after playing MMOs for so long, it took a good amount of flailing until I was finally comfortable with my gun again.  (Protip - if you are playing co-op, do not drop your Lancer to pick up a sniper rifle, as your buddy will likely turn your precious chainsawin’ baby into ammo and leave you with the craptastic shot gun.)

Which brings me to my next point - the Gears must be shooting golden bullets, because those things are damn scarce in the first few areas.  It definitely makes it more challenging, which is not necessarily a bad thing, but it’s not so fun when you have to go toe to toe with six Locust with a troika and four bullets.

The writing is clever and downright funny at times; I laughed way too much about “Betty’s titties.” In an interview with GamePro, Mike Capps, president of epic, discussed how they tried to bring more “emotion” to Gears 2:

“This time since you know who all the main characters are, you can dig a little bit deeper into them, and we’ve built a bit more of the story in advance in this one. Gears was a rough idea of a story and a lot of environments we built, and then we went and fit the story in. This time, we had a lot more of the scripts and story plotted out before the levels were locked down.”

I can definitely see the difference; there’s a lot more empathy between the characters (Dom’s search for his wife, training the new recruit, etc.) than just “hey guys, let’s go kill shit.” Not that I mind the latter, but it’s nice to see a little more depth to the boys in armor.  I will say, however, if I see the term “bromance” one more time, someone’s getting the pointy end of a chainsaw.

In short, Gears 2 gets as manly of a Harlot Hug/pound on the back as I can manage, and I’m looking forward to seeing what happens next.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Little Big Review

Let me start out by saying that Little Big Planet is an absolutely gorgeous game.  The overall feel is a very detailed dollhouse/diorama: all of the texturing is extremely realistic, and all of the pieces in game look like they could be constructed in real life by a pleasantly mad toymaker.  The aesthetics from the different cultures and countries are also spectacular; my personal favorite is the crazy Dia de los Muertos-inspired wedding.  (One word: SKULLDOZER!)

But, enough of me cooing over prettiness for the moment.  Despite being kind of a “cute” game, the gameplay is challenging enough to keep me entertained and downright hard at times (fuck you, giant spinning electrified maze thing).  It’s a platformer, true, but innovative in that there’s tons of moving parts (rocket-powered dogsled for the win) and height changes that are used to good effect.  Luckily, there are save points scattered throughout the levels, but each one is limited use; torch your Sackboy one too many times and you’ll have to start the level over. 

Sadly, as of the time I’m writing this the servers are down, so I haven’t really had much incentive to play around with the level creator; suffice it to say once it’s up, I’ll be unleashing sharing my creations with you lovelies post haste.

Overall, it’s the little touches that set Little Big Planet apart: the hilarious narrator (voiced by none other than Stephen Fry), the rad costumes for your Sackboy/girl, the rockin’ music (seems they left “the song” in, sans-lyrics, in case you were curious), and the overall playful attitude earns LBP a Harlot Snuggle of Approval.  (What else would you do to a Sackboy?)

Friday, October 17, 2008

Eden, metaphorically speaking

If games were people, PixelJunk Eden would be that hipster friend of a friend that I’d heard about but never really hung out much with.  (I was, after all, a strictly Xbox chick until yesterday.) They’d be one of those people who didn’t say much, but had a rockin’ music collection and that freakish ability to pull off fashion ensembles that would make everyone else look like a douchebag.

The game’s premise is pretty simple - you control a little critter that’s apparently called a “grimp” that looks vaguely like a sperm (I think I might need to update my glasses prescription).  Anyway, you jump, swing and zoom around collecting pollen that makes plants grow; the end goal is to collect “Spectra,” glowy symbols in the sky.  (The video on the site probably makes a lot more sense.) The levels are (sort of) timed - a little bar slowly drains in the corner of your screen that can be replenished by collecting little icons.  As you beat levels, your own personal Eden (the level select screen) grows and changes.

The controls definitely take some getting used to - you “stick” to things by default, and the gravity is a little wonky, which means getting the hang of swinging around on your thread involves a lot of falling and cursing.  Still, the fact that many buttons do the same thing helps if you end up flailing around a bit initially.

In a nutshell, the game is simple and lovely but challenging enough to make it quite addictive.  HarlotSmooch for you, Eden… just don’t expect to see me ironically wearing argyle patterns anytime soon. 

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Warmonger

After being burned by Age of Conan, I was a little nervous about dipping into “brand new MMO” market again.  Still, as mentioned, I threw caution to the wind and signed on with Warhammer Online’s open beta.

Thank god for poor impulse control, because I’m enjoying myself immensely so far.  I have a Sorceress and a Zealot, 7 and 6 respectively.  Order is for sissies.  Here are my first impressions:
_{(Disclaimer: I compare a lot of the game mechanics to things in WoW, not necessarily because it’s the best game ever, but because it’s the leader in the industry and that’s what I’ve been playing for the last year and a half.)}

- I love the attitude.  From level one, you’re not defending your lands, you’re going to kick your neighbor’s ass and take his instead.

- Want to PvP?  Click on the icon on your mini-map and put yourself in the queue for an instanced battle wherever you are.  No more dragging ass back to a city to get your murder on.

- Want to PvP at level 1?  The instances bump your skills and defenses up to an average level so you can compete whenever you want.  You’re still going to fare worse against higher level players, but you at least have a shot.  Bonus: you can level up without doing a single quest, if you so desire.  (Suck it, standard NPC guy who wants 50 wolf heads.)

- Public quests are world-events that happen every few minutes.  If you’re in the area, you can join in to complete the objective (usually done in three stages): for example, kill 30 low level defenders, set fire to the tower, and then kill the boss and his calvary that ride in at the last minute.  At the end, everyone gets points based on their level of contribution (plus a luck roll) for a chance at bags containing a selection of loot.  Very, very cool.

Granted, Warhammer is still a standard MMO at it’s core - quests, xp, faction and the rest.  But it has enough new ideas and content to keep this jaded gamer on her toes.  I just might have to break my oath and play on launch day.

Friday, September 05, 2008

You can Crash my Castle any time, baby.

Many moons ago, back when you rented games from Blockbuster because things like Gamefly and XBox Live Arcade weren’t invented yet, some cover art caught my eye amid the shelves of battered cases.  It looked a lot like this.  (Ok, it was that, shut up.)

Regular readers (have I told you lately how happy you all make me?) will know I am an absolute sucker for visual style in video games, and Alien Hominid was an immediate delight.  Plus, any game where you can (co-op!) gnaw on people’s heads is a-ok with me.

Needless to say I’m pleased as hell that The Behemoth managed to maintain their awesome distinctive style with Castle Crashers; in fact, I’d say they even improved it.  Strictly 2-D with candy colors and adorable characters, the game plays like a hyper-violent kid’s show.  The gameplay is deceptively easy - the simple controls lend themselves well to forcing your less-skilled friends to play with you, while the more adept can play around with elaborate combos.

Lest you find side-scrollers boring, Castle Crashers mixes it up with enough different scenarios to keep things fresh.  Deer-riding, brawling on the back of a runaway carriage and trying to avoid being shit on by a giant bat all have their charm, after all.

In short, totally worth the points.  Castle Crashers gets a “chained in The Harlot’s basement until The Behemoth turns out more pretty games” of Approval.

Friday, August 29, 2008

“Thou hit like a bitch!”

I guess you could say it was inevitable… with geek culture becoming more prevalent on the silver screen (Uber Goober, Nerdcore Rising, etc.), someone had to go and make an American Pie style warped buddy movie.

Enter Gamers, a mockumentary.  The plot?

“For the last 23 years, a group of friends have lived life to the fullest...in the fantasy world. Obsessed with a role playing game called Demons, Nymphs and Dragons, these Gamers are the subject of this hilarious comedy which chronicles their journey to make it through their horrendous lives while attempting to break the world record for role playing over 74,558 hours.”

The movie follows the four geeks in question throughout their years of gaming, culminating in the countdown to the record-breaking session and efforts from rival geek saboteurs, parents, and knocked-up girlfriends.  Insert rampant gay jokes, a midget, Jesus, a MILF, and lots of corn, and you have the rest of the plot (or a really horrible idea for porno).  While not a work of cinema to resonate through the ages, “Gamers” has a couple funny lines, while the rest is mildly amusing after a few beers.

Sorry, Gamers.  You get a Harlot “wave and smile awkwardly from across the room at a party” of Approval.

(Still intrigued?  Here’s the trailer.)

Friday, August 08, 2008

“Happily Ever After Ends Now”

Having spent the evening playing through “A Boy Learns What Fear Is” and “Little Red Riding Hood” on American McGee’s Grimm (thank you, lovely Eris, for the reminder!), I’ve concluded that it’s art.

Hey, stop with the eye roll.  Not art in the “oh god this changed my life” sense; it is a game with fart jokes, after all.  The premise: Grimm (played by you) has decided fairy tales are too boring and sweet, so you run through different scenes corrupting them until you’ve accumulated enough filth to unlock the next stage.  At the end, you get to watch the “improved” version of the fairy tale.

No, the real beauty lies in the style of the game.  It has a cartoonish, wooden-toy style that clashes delightfully with the gory and disturbing content; nothing like traipsing through a forest with about 20 (smiling) people dangling from nooses overhead.  The visuals on the transformations from light to dark are also delightful - my personal favorite was the haunted castle in “A Boy Learns What Fear Is,” with the Big Bad Wolf being a close second.

The simplicity of the game play allows the player to enjoy the scenery instead of trying to remember which button is “jump.” And really, you can’t argue with a game where your main attack is the “buttstomp.”

I’ll totally HarlotSmooch you, Mr. McGee… just let me get my striped socks and eyeliner on first.

(HarlotHint: The first episode is available for free all the time, but the following ones are only free for 24 hours after release, so make sure you get ‘em while they’re hot!)