I love burlesque, and I love video games, so this article in the LA times about troupe Devil’s Playground doing a show featuring game characters brought a smile to my face.
I really wish there was video; you know it would have been entertaining to watch the girl doing Seamus to try and wiggle out of that suit in a sexy manner.
Whether or not we like to admit it, I think everyone has looked at a video game character and said, “damn, they’re pretty hot.” It makes perfect sense when you think about it; for the most part characters are designed to appeal, from the prettily androgynous Final Fantasy cast to the rugged good looks of the Gears of War boys.
A new article in The Escapist sheds a rather freaky light on a new object of girl gamers’ affections: Pyramid Head.
Yes, that one. Silent Hill. Those muscular arms, that giant sword (ooh la la), that charming little quirk of ripping the skins off his victims.
From the article, in which girls have created a facebook group dedicated to their metal-masked Romeo:
“Katrina, 21, who shares her Pyramid Head fanfiction with the group, has also written Harry Potter fanfiction and novellas but feels that with Pyramid Head she can be more perverse and explore the darker areas of human sexuality and fear. ‘I find his unrelenting sociopath nature and the fact that he is not governed by any moral or social obligations dangerously sexy,’ she explains.
‘The sheer brute force and brutality he displays is the same thing that drives good girls to like bad guys,” adds Katrina. ‘The hope or fantasy that should you come upon him in reality you could be the one that he does not hurt or rape, that you could ‘tame the savage beast.’ It’s a pleasant fantasy.”
Strangely, this also makes perfect sense. A video game character is an extremely “safe” crush, since there’s no possibility of rejection. People are universally attracted to power, especially from a character that is essentially a blank slate with a somewhat sympathetic side (Wikipedia states that Pyramid Head’s helmet “was reportedly designed to appear painful to wear, suggesting that it serves as some kind of punishment"); all the better to project on, my dear. The idea that a good girl can change a bad boy is a prevalent cliche, as any romantic comedy or women’s magazine will have you believe.
“During times of stress, danger, fear, and pain adrenaline is produced. Adrenaline is made up of two hormones, epinephrine and nor-epinephrine. There are also neurotransmitters that send information and sensation through the brain quickly. The chemicals increase metabolism rate and blood pressure. The result can be a feeling of increased energy, euphoria, excitement, and a need to climax in relief in some way by escaping the pain or danger. The production of adrenaline during sexual arousal contributes to its enjoyable nature.”
So, I guess I can understand where the affection comes from; I just don’t think I’ll be dredging the internet for Pyramid Head porn any time soon, even in the spirit of journalism. (I know you’re all terribly disappointed.)
While I can’t see these sexy platform stiletto heels being very practical for running away from zombies, at least you’ll be all matchy and cute when they do eat your brains!
(PS - I’m not so tacky as to have an Amazon wishlist, but I might casually mention that I wear a size 9. AHEM.)
If you’re anything like me, I’m sure you’ve wondered what Frost (Sub-Zero’s protege, in case you were wondering) from Mortal Kombat would look like in real life, minus half her costume.
Con season is coming up, and if you’d rather not smell like airport and Febreeze (not going into the other possible alternatives), consider the upcoming line of Star Trek inspired fragrances. Featuring “Tiberius” and “Red Shirt” for the boys, the ladies have the alluring “Pon Farr,” which is apparently named for the vulcan mating ritual.
Clearly, your Trek costume is not complete unless you smell like alien sex.
One really does pity female video game characters. They’re minding their own business, asskicking or solving puzzles or providing a simpering shoulder for the main character to angst on, and then, BAM. Someone, somewhere, turns them into porn. (The more horrifying aspect of rule 34 is that it applies not only to attractive characters but pretty much anything with a high pitched voice and anything remotely resembling boobs… or not.) One of the more high-profile ladies to get the inadvertent celeb sex tape treatment recently is none other than sweet Zoey from Left 4 Dead, starring in “Left 4 Head.”
According to this little review from The Escapist, not only do dead boys not say no, they’re downright… persistent:
“But while exploring an abandoned house, instead of finding her fellow survivors she stumbles upon a hidden Smoker. Except that’s not his tongue, it’s his 30-foot long, prehensile undead wang and it’s Zoey’s turn to do some smoking!
She’s able to pull out her pistol and blow away the zombie but a few moments later another one catches her by surprise and to her apparent (although not particularly enthusiastic) consternation, the pistol is lost but the blowing continues. The remaining seven minutes of the video manages to be simultaneously disturbing, hilarious and oddly riveting, so to speak.”
If you’re gunning to get your borderline necrophilia fix… you’re on your own with that one. However, consider this substitute: a (safe for work) music video featuring some hot “attempting to be sexy while pretending to be choked by undead wang” action. Yowza.
It has come to my attention that I’ve been writing way too many “serious” articles lately. The HarlotPosse and I had a few drinks and were discussing awkward sex and, well, these moves are the result of my overly-gamed brain:
The Yoshi - Mid coitus, you give your partner a friendly little slap on the ass - only to have them bolt out from under you and run crying down the hallway.
The Sonic - “Are you in yet?” “Um, actually, I’m done.”
The MMO - In the midst of a hot orgy, half of the party suddenly goes catatonic, only to reawaken five minutes later inquiring as to what they missed. People leave at various times afterward, claiming they have to go have dinner or their wife is yelling at them to come home.
Your Princess is in Another Castle - coming home early from work, you catch your SO swapping more than lawn care tips with that hot neighbor from across the street.
The First Person Shooter - “...did I get it in your hair?”
In case you want to establish that your Wii is manly and not, in fact, for the kids or Grandma, you can now get a skin featuring a scantily clad chick. (Possibly NSFW.)
I want to laugh, but if it was Bettie Paige, I’d be all about it.
I was perusing Kotaku today and came upon this adorable gallery of booth babes “companions” at the Tokyo Game Show. (Bonus points for the guy’s expression of pure awe in this one.)
I’ve never understood the irrational hate that people seem to have for hot chicks trying to sell you gaming goodies. (Check some of the comments on Kotaku for a few choice examples.) Of course it’s contrived - it’s business! Any advertising agency worth it’s people knows that sex sells, especially if you tailor it for your target market. And hell, it’s not like these ladies are forced into it; having done a few gigs myself, I know modeling can be quite the lucrative business.
I mean, check out this feature G4 did on booth babes. One of the girls’ favorite part was, and I quote: “Being the personal wet dream of these guys that you see here.” You go, darlin’!
I guess if you expect that the ladies are fawning over you because they actually, you know, want to be in a relationship with you then perhaps you would be a touch cynical. (If that is the case, I recommend you also stay far away from strip clubs and bars around colleges with gold-digging sorority sisters.)
Booth babes have always seemed to be such an integral part of gaming and con culture; it saddens me that E3’s babes of years past have gone the way of… E3. Like I’ve said before, there is nothing wrong with mixing hot chicks and video games.
Significant other get cranky because they caught you checking out the, um, assets of the ladies of Soul Calibur IV?
Pretend like you’re doing something useful instead by watching this video comparing the boob physics of the 360 to the PS3 version. (Probably NSFW.) It’s not ogling, it’s comparison shopping!
Cuil (pronounced, oh god, “cool") is a brand new search engine (made by three ex-Google people) that was touted for about five minutes as a potential “Google-killer.” While it has some cute little features, it really hit internet celebrity when people discovered the handy dandy image that accompanied many search results (even in SafeSearch mode) turned out to be porn.
Most notably, a search for a certain quantum computing researcher turned up a picture of a pair of men in a, uh, compromising position; thus the term “quantum porn” (probably NSFW, since it has said picture in the article) was born. Don’t you love the internet?
After noticing their little slip, Cuil appears to have “fixed” things, which, as far as I can tell, means they have turned the internet into some sort of wholesome bizarro world. A search for sex turns up the Sex Pistols, Sex and the City, a few Wikipedia articles about a scientific study and one measly porn site (with no picture). Fuck is a little more promising with three porn sites, but not a single NSFW picture to be had.
Feeling desperate, I typed in “tits,” thinking a little mild profanity would go a long way. And hey, it came up with a picture! Instead of cleavage, however, I was greeted by the smiling, balding and bespectacled visage of one Dr. Andre L. Tits, who is apparently a professor of Electrical Engineering at the Institute for Systems Research. He looks like a nice guy.
So I’m throwing down the porn gauntlet - find a Cuil search that will turn up a NSFW picture as a result. Despite the fact that I had Safe Search disabled, I got nothing, but I have faith in you perverts!
I finally gave into the siren call and picked up Age of Conan.
And I have to say, I’m pleasantly surprised at how very… adult it is.
So far I’ve decapitated a few people (complete with monitor blood spatters), beat the shit out of some pirates to help out the local whore house, enjoyed the colorful profanity in the npc interactions, and ran around topless for a few quests, just because I could.
The combat system is interesting - you really have to be paying attention for the hit directions and the combo attacks. No PvP yet, as I’m still in the newbie city, but I’m definitely looking forward to busting some heads when I grow up.
I’m holding off further judgment until I get to the real part of the game (you can’t leave noobland until you’re level 20, I belive), but so far AoC gets the Harlot “Warm, Lingering Hug of Approval.” Rawr.
“I breed frogs,” she yelled over the thumping music.
“...frogs?” I pantomimed a hopping motion.
“Oh yeah, poison dart frogs, African tree frogs, all kinds!” she said, before promptly straddling my lap and silencing any further conversation by pressing her tits in my face.
Strip clubs are fucking awesome. While these Harlot Hints are not directly video game related, I figure a little life experience never hurt anyone.
1. Strippers are people too. That means no making snide comments within earshot, no grabby hands unless explicitly invited, and asking “how much money do you make?” is rude no matter what industry you’re in.
2. This one’s for the ladies: After talking to a few of the entertainers, the general consensus is that girls in the club are assumed to be jealous bitches unless proven otherwise. If seeing another girl dancing for your boyfriend is going to be an issue, then spare everyone the grief and don’t go. (Perhaps ironically, a lot of them have significant others of their own and are not interested in stealing yours.) Otherwise, smile and enjoy the attention.
3. It’s ok to admire her body. Really, I expect she’d be a little insulted if you didn’t. Compliments go a long way, but don’t forget to pay up.
4. Talk to the girls! They’re usually not dumb (hell, if anything they’re smart for figuring out that people will pay tons of money to see them naked), and occasionally you run across a fascinating one. Hey, if nothing else, it makes for a good blog post.
I’m sure everyone has by now seen the video entitled “why every guy should their your girlfriend Wii fit” - which is, in essence, a cute bespectacled chick hula hooping sans-pants. If not, get thee to Youtube.
Cue Playboy’s website setting up Jo Garcia, their “Cyber Girl of the Year” (who is either an actual gamer or has a pretty good PR coach) to do the same. (probably NSFW). The thing I found most fascinating (aside from her boobs), and what gives her a little geek cred in my book, was the fact that she totally made the gamer face.
You know what I’m talking about. That slightly glazed, eyebrows furrowed, not blinking, mouth slightly open, “I’m concentrating” look. It was quite cute.